The Monday Muse: Saving the Planet with Satire

Hey there, Nerd Cactus followers! Today’s musing is brought to you by the frustration of living in a state which has banned the terms “climate change” and “global warming”. YAY! I love living in denial…

Yes, despite the melting of the polar ice caps and rising levels of the ocean, there are still politicians who insist that if we don’t talk about it, it’ll just… go away. False. At the current rate of rising sea levels Miami will be underwater within years. Newsflash: the city is already flooding. Not from rainwater, but from storm sewers that overflow during high tide (which is only going to get higher). Sea levels have risen between 9 and 12 inches in the last century and they are expected to rise up to 6 more inches by 2030. This is scary, people. And Florida is not the only one in danger either. Coastlines of the world, prepare to meet thy maker.

So, in the satiric style of Jonathan Swift (but I’m partially serious), I propose that we do something about this impending doom. Please pass along the following proposal to friends, family, and politicians alike, because I truly believe this is a serious matter. And if I get arrested for fighting “climate change” so be it.


It is a melancholy object, to those who walk the streets of South Beach and patron its many bars, when they see our famed dirty roads flooded with foul, filthy water. Need I remind anyone that tourists are here to enjoy our basic level of grubby, piss-smelling sidewalks? They are not interested in floods of sewer water. Ah, how the tides have turned as our lack of respect for mother nature attempts to bite us in the behind.

I think it is agreed by all parties that the real estate bought on Star Island should, at all costs, maintain its value rather than being swallowed by the mighty Atlantic and forever eternalized as the next Atlantis. Though perhaps a submarine tour of  Gloria Estefon and Shaq’s homes would provide a lucrative business venture for the pioneering deep-sea entrepreneur. Hmm. Food for thought.

But, NO, if we put our heads together we can ensure that the tides do not get any higher and our tourist season goes on. And on. And on. We can continue to reap the benefits of our ocean-front properties as long as we ensure their continued existence. That ought to appeal to the Scroogian members of our “elected leadership” whose love of money is only equaled by their love of spouting nonsense.

It is in the interest of the world (economy of tourism) that we attempt to save our coastlines. We must prevent the sea level from rising any more than it already has. In fact, the best thing to do would be to lower the sea level so that when the ice caps melt we end up back at square one. Everyone is comfortable being back at square one, yes? Well, anyway, with this plan we would (at least temporarily) find ourselves with larger beaches, making room for more walking, talking wallets.

So here it is. I propose that we scoop out large amounts of water from the ocean. Of course, by large amounts, I’m talking tons. But once the water is out we can desalinate it and redistribute it as drinking water. Also, we can sell the salt as table salt. People are totally into sea salt right now.


With the sea level hindered (at least temporarily) we won’t have to deal with Miami’s flooding. While the “scoopage” could be handled by large ocean carriers equipped with construction equipment-esque buckets it could also be handled by the people. Imagine if every resident of Miami were to go out and take two gallons of seawater home with them after a day at the beach. Not only would it be cost efficient, but the populace would feel a collective sense of accomplishment, having done something to protect their homes. Brilliant!

Yes, my friends, change is possible, and it does not require becoming particularly environmentally friendly either. With a pair of buckets every man, woman and child across the coasts of the world can make a difference. And these delightful sea salt caramel brownies.

Thanks for listening. We appreciate your donations. Nerd Cactus for President. Etc. Etc.


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